WASHINGTON — In a move hailed by televangelists and denounced by exhausted parents, President Donald Trump announced that public schools will now be required to display the Ten Commandments in every classroom. He described the initiative as “a return to American values, like guilt, judgment, and writing on stone tablets.”
Standing proudly before reporters, Trump unveiled what he claimed were the Ten Commandments etched onto a massive stone slab. The text, however, appeared to be complete gibberish, an indecipherable mix of dollar signs, emojis, and what experts later identified as upside-down Latin. CNN was in shock. NBC simply muttered, “WTF?,” as the slab began lightly smoking.
The decision has ignited furious debate nationwide, with supporters claiming it will “fix vibes and math scores” and opponents calling it an “ancient guilt trip disguised as curriculum.” Trump clarified that the commandments would be “presented in gold frames, preferably near vending machines so kids see them when they’re weak.”
Religious groups celebrated the announcement with a 48-hour livestream prayer session sponsored by Chick-fil-A and MyPillow. One pastor described the move as “a victory for divine branding.” However, many parents expressed concern, arguing that the government installing commandments in schools feels like spiritual spyware with cursive font.
Some school districts have already begun compliance by carving the commandments into drywall or projecting them onto whiteboards between ads for lunchables and flu shots. A principal in Texas said, “We just cover up the fire exit sign and boom, moral clarity.” One confused substitute teacher asked if “Thou Shalt Not Covet” applied to classroom snacks.
Legal experts predict a wave of lawsuits, especially since Trump’s version of the commandments includes several curious additions, like “Honor thy golf caddy” and “Thou shalt not fact-check.” At press time, students were reportedly using the commandments as loopholes to avoid homework, claiming the tablets mention nothing about algebra. For now, Trump teased a future plan to replace school bells with shofar horns and force gym teachers to dress like Moses “so the kids take dodgeball seriously.”
© 2025 The Daily Snort
