YOKOHAMA — In a bold yet somehow tired announcement, struggling automaker Nissan unveiled its latest hope for survival: a hybrid electric vehicle that runs partially on electricity, partially on gasoline, and entirely on the lingering desperation of a once-relevant brand. Executives described it as “eco-adjacent” and “basically a Prius but more confused.”
The new model, named the Nissan Sigh, features an engine capable of switching between battery power and fossil fuel mid-sob. Engineers claim this gives drivers “maximum flexibility” and “a deep sense of existential guilt.” Early testers reported the car emits a faint hum resembling a marketing intern whispering, “Please keep buying cars, please.”
Nissan stated the hybrid push reflects a “new vision of sustainable-ish mobility” for the company, whose last three attempts at innovation included a car that apologized when you opened the door and a self-driving concept that simply refused to leave the garage. Neither made it past Tokyo’s pity approval stage.
While rival automakers race toward full electrification, Nissan remains committed to what it calls “transitional reliability” and what critics call “lukewarm panic.” In a demonstration, the Sigh drove silently for six blocks before loudly begging for unleaded and stalling near a vape shop. Executives clapped politely and blamed “weather vibes.”
Analysts believe the move is a calculated attempt to delay the company’s obituary by at least six quarters. Meanwhile, insiders leaked documents showing Nissan also considered a car powered by sadness and one shaped like a middle finger to Tesla. When asked about the future, Nissan’s CEO stared into a nearby koi pond and whispered, “We are all hybrids now.” At press time, the Sigh was spotted crying coolant in a dealership lot, muttering something about better days in 1996.
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