REDMOND — In a theatrical display of dominance that smelled faintly of burned-out GPUs and controlled fear, Microsoft hosted its annual Build event this week, corralling AI titans like Sam Altman, Elon Musk, and Jensen Huang into what attendees described as “a talent show for billionaires trying not to blink too much.”
CEO Satya Nadella kicked off the event by emerging from a cloud of synthetic fog, whispering “We are the architects now” before unveiling 47 new AI tools, none of which have obvious purposes but all of which are “profoundly transformative.” Musk nodded, eyes twitching, as a robot dog circled his ankles ominously.
Altman, freshly reinstalled at OpenAI for reasons no one will clarify, took the stage to praise Microsoft’s “benevolent software throne.” He then plugged ChatGPT into Bing, watched it scream, and smiled. Jensen Huang appeared shortly after, handing Nadella a gold-plated NVIDIA chip and softly murmuring “For the forge.” Applause followed out of fear and habit.
Sources confirm the event featured a private AI summit where the word “alignment” was said 96 times, often followed by uncontrollable laughter and someone frantically checking the stock price of Adobe. Press were allowed only into the lobby, where they were handed pamphlets labeled Ignore What You See: Trust The Cloud.
Analysts say Microsoft’s growing grip on AI has less to do with innovation and more to do with licensing everything before competitors wake up. Attendees left the event with complimentary Surface tablets and legally binding dreams. At press time, Microsoft was reportedly building a cathedral-shaped data center named “The Singularity Annex” and hiring former monks to bless each server with quiet reverence and the occasional forced reboot.
© 2025 The Daily Snort
