ROMANIA — A 26-year-old woman who has visited 30 countries in the past five years remains tragically unable to locate even a shred of self-awareness, sources confirmed Tuesday. Despite racking up enough frequent flyer miles to orbit the moon, Jessica Langley still mistakes cultural appropriation for “appreciation” and thinks tipping is “optional but cute” in developing nations.
Langley’s Instagram feed features carefully curated photos of her doing yoga in front of ancient temples, though locals confirm she spent most of the trip complaining about the lack of almond milk. “She asked if our sacred mountain had a spa day pass,” said one exasperated tour guide in Peru. “Then she called the sunrise hike ‘ableist’ when she couldn’t keep up.”
Psychologists suggest Langley suffers from a common condition known as Postcards Without Perspective. “These types treat travel like a competitive sport,” said Dr. Neil Carter. “They collect countries like Pokémon, believing exposure to poverty will somehow make them interesting.” Experts note the irony of someone who brags about “finding themselves” while constantly updating their location.
When reached for comment, Langley was mid-Instagram story about her “authentic” Thai cooking class. “Travel has taught me so much,” she said, while a local chef silently died inside behind her. “Like how to say ‘no plastic straws’ in six languages, and that my aura photographs best at golden hour.” Asked what she learned about herself, she replied, “That I’m basically a citizen of the world?” before pausing. “Wait, does Airbnb count as residency?”
At press time, Langley was booking a “digital detox” retreat in Bali, where she plans to document her journey of disconnection on three different platforms.
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