STERLING, VA — President Donald Trump welcomed 220 crypto enthusiasts to a black-tie dinner Thursday night where guests enjoyed Wagyu beef, golden chairs, and a fleeting sense of financial security before $TRUMP nosedived six percent like a napkin in a champagne flute. Guests remained upbeat, possibly mistaking red candles on charts for party décor.
The event, hosted at Trump National Golf Club, featured high-end suits, high-risk portfolios, and the high likelihood that everyone involved would later insist they were just “early adopters.” Protesters outside held signs accusing Trump of corruption and shouted slogans while several attendees replied with the timeless counterargument of rolling up windows and avoiding eye contact. Democracy’s fate remained unclear, but the valet service was reportedly impeccable.
Former NBA star Lamar Odom arrived fashionably late, tweeting a promotional link to his own crypto project before vanishing inside the banquet hall like a dollar in a meme coin wallet. Witnesses said Odom carried an umbrella, which was either practical or a subtle nod to the coming financial storm. Sources confirm his coin, $ODOM, spiked briefly before collapsing during the cheese course. He left smiling, presumably unaware of any consequences.
The dinner’s theme, “Black-Tie Optional, Blockchain Mandatory,” reflected Trump’s continued pivot to unregulated online currency as a campaign financing strategy, legal defense fund, and casual Saturday hobby. Experts warn this merging of political access and decentralized finance may pose existential threats to governance, although attendees were mostly concerned about the dessert not being NFT-themed.
At press time, $TRUMP had stabilized at just above “emotional damage,” while attendees considered hedging losses with commemorative dinner napkins currently listed for sale as limited-edition tokens on OpenSea.
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