WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citing a need to “protect domestic underachievement,” the Trump administration announced Monday it would officially block Harvard University from enrolling international students. The move, officials say, is part of a broader effort to ensure American institutions “return to their roots of inflated self-importance and medium-level performance with high tuition and flags.”
President Trump, speaking at a press conference held near a rendering of himself carved into Mount Rushmore, praised the decision as a “huge win for American kids who barely passed civics but still deserve Ivy League merch.” White House aides say the goal is to “make college safe again” for students who feel threatened by people with unpronounceable last names and actual work ethics.
Harvard issued a response expressing “grave disappointment” while also quickly pivoting to offer new courses in Advanced Bootlicking and Domestic Bribery Optimization. Administrators confirmed they will replace the loss of international talent with legacy admits whose fathers once made eye contact with a senator. Meanwhile, the endowment remains untouched and aggressively reproducing in a large gold vault behind campus.
The ban has been well-received among select voter demographics who believe Harvard is both too elitist and not elite enough. Polling shows widespread support from people who think “globalism” is a foot condition and that speaking multiple languages causes socialism. One protester proudly stated, “If God wanted you to go to Harvard, you’d be born in Connecticut.”
Critics warn this could undermine the nation’s global academic standing, but insiders say that was likely the point. Officials confirmed the Department of Education will soon review Yale’s “suspicious level of grammar,” while also ensuring U.S. universities proudly remain places where average Americans can continue pretending to be exceptional.
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