WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a lavish White House event catered by Chick-fil-A and a defibrillator vendor, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. unveiled the first “Make America Healthy Again” commission report. President Trump applauded the findings enthusiastically, occasionally nodding between bites of what staff confirmed was his seventh double cheeseburger of the afternoon.
The report calls for fearless new strategies, such as replacing public gyms with meat-smoking centers, encouraging citizens to “walk more but not in cities,” and introducing mandatory multivitamin selfies. Kennedy insisted Americans can reclaim their health without abandoning core values like bacon or distrust in water that isn’t carbonated and cherry-flavored. “Health should feel patriotic,” he declared.
Among the key recommendations was the introduction of “Freedom Smoothies,” a proposed federal program where citizens receive protein shakes laced with horse tranquilizers and optimism. The commission also endorsed banning salads over three ounces, citing the psychological toll of leafy greens on fragile national morale. At one point, Kennedy shouted “Detox the Constitution!” before being gently reminded that wasn’t on the agenda.
Trump praised the initiative, calling it “the healthiest report anyone’s ever written,” adding that Kennedy’s blood likely contains “the purest ivermectin.” When asked if he planned to adopt the commission’s daily fitness plan, Trump smiled and pointed to a nearby golf cart, declaring, “This baby burns more calories than Biden’s Peloton ever did.”
Critics warn the plan might confuse wellness with nostalgia-fueled denial, but supporters say America’s true health lies in the gut and deep within patriotic adipose tissue. The report concludes with a ten-point pledge, including “Thou shalt not trust kale” and “All treadmills are Russian.” The future of American health, it seems, is slightly winded but very proud.
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