UTAH — A peer-reviewed study published in the Journal of Obvious But Uncomfortable Truths has confirmed what many have long suspected: people who regularly consume kale are significantly more likely to be unbearable in social settings. The research found that 75% of kale enthusiasts will, at some point, explain why you’re wrong for not massaging your greens.
Lead researcher Dr. Rebecca Cho described the findings as “statistically horrifying.” Participants who ate kale more than twice a week were shown to have a 60% higher chance of mentioning their gut health mid-bite and an 80% likelihood of sighing at supermarket checkout lines. “One subject interrupted a wedding toast to discuss the alkalizing benefits of cruciferous vegetables,” Cho noted.
Nutritionists are divided on whether kale itself causes the insufferability or if it simply attracts a certain personality type. “It’s a chicken-or-egg scenario,” said food psychologist Dr. Mark Veldon. “Does kale make people pretentious, or do pretentious people crave something bitter to match their souls?” The study also found that 9 out of 10 kale consumers own at least one item of clothing with a pun about plants.
Local man Derek Langley, who proudly consumes two kale smoothies daily, confirmed the findings. “People just don’t get it,” he said, while folding chia seeds into his date’s pasta without asking. “Once you go detox, you never go back. Also, you should really be using Himalayan salt.” Experts warn the trend may worsen as farmers’ markets continue enabling these behaviors. Until then, the public is advised to chew quietly and avoid eye contact.
© 2025 The Daily Snort
