MASSACHUSETTS — The Boston Celtics have entered a state of such advanced trade speculation that analysts fear the rumors may soon develop consciousness. Sources confirm the team’s front office has been whispering into a basketball like a tin-can telephone, hoping for divine guidance. Coach Joe Mazzulla admitted, “We are dealing with uncertainty,” which fans interpreted as either profound wisdom or a cry for help.
Players now arrive at practice to find their lockers replaced with eBay listings. Jayson Tatum was reportedly seen auctioning himself off for “exposure and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.” In other news, Jaylen Brown has started referring to his contract as a “binding emotional support document.” Team executives insist no moves are final, but also refuse to deny they’ve considered trading the entire roster for a single vintage Larry Bird rookie card.
The Celtics’ official Twitter account has begun posting cryptic stock market tickers instead of game updates. Fans speculate this is either a bold new branding strategy or evidence the team’s social media manager is trapped in a day-trading spiral. One thing is certain: by the time anyone figures out what’s happening, the team will have already been traded for three second-round picks and a gently used Zamboni.
In fact, the basketball net, frayed and barely clinging to the rim, has become an unintentional metaphor for the Celtics’ current state, once sturdy, now just a few threads away from total collapse. As trade rumors swirl like a vortex of existential dread, even the equipment seems to sense what’s coming, with the net’s last remaining fibers whispering, “Jump ship before they trade the ship itself.”
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