MASSACHUSETTS — In a breakthrough that has shaken the self-help industry, leading productivity gurus have finally acknowledged that human achievement is temporary at best. “Sure, wake up at 5 AM and journal your feelings,” said motivational speaker Chad Branson. “But let’s be real, all your hustle culture nonsense will vaporize when our sun inevitably goes supernova.”
The revelation comes after scientists confirmed the sun has roughly 5 billion years left before it expands and swallows Earth whole. “This really puts things in perspective,” said one anxious office worker while deleting his calendar alerts. “I was stressing about missing a Zoom meeting when, cosmically speaking, we’re all just future stardust with LinkedIn profiles.”
Corporate America has been slow to adapt. A leaked Amazon memo still encouraged employees to “act urgently” despite the looming heat death of the universe. For now, productivity app developers have begun offering new features like “Doom Countdown Mode,” which replaces task reminders with a live timer until planetary extinction.
Psychologists report a surge in patients experiencing “preemptive nihilism,” though many find it liberating. “Knowing nothing matters was the best career advice I ever got,” said one former manager now working as a professional napper. When reached for comment, the sun declined to apologize, stating it was “just following astrophysics.” Experts suggest coping mechanisms include eating dessert first and staring directly into the void.
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