WASHINGTON — As mortgage rates surged to their highest level in over three months, Americans nationwide responded with a calm, measured panic that included whispering to themselves in bank parking lots and researching the structural integrity of their 2009 Honda Civics. Economists say the spike stems from recent bond market unrest and lingering existential dread.
President Trump, speaking from a gold-accented replica of Mount Rushmore in Florida, reassured citizens that “homes are still very real, very nice,” and that Americans should be proud to own interest. White House staff later clarified that “own” was used spiritually. Meanwhile, mortgage applicants were seen dissolving into mist upon reading their loan estimates.
Real estate agents have shifted to a performance-based model, offering interpretive dances to explain APR fluctuations and sobbing softly in open houses. “We’ve stopped staging furniture,” said one broker. “Now we just place a framed photo of hope by the stairs.” Potential buyers reportedly appreciate the honesty, if not the mild haunting.
In response to rising rates, some Americans have returned to traditional housing methods such as tents, existential denial, or telling themselves “it’s just a phase.” Zillow searches for “place I won’t die in” have tripled. Officials expect homeownership to be fully symbolic by August, much like democracy or affordable cheese.
The bond market, described by analysts as “a haunted forest of sadness and numbers,” continues to spook investors daily. Treasury yields now make a faint hissing noise when printed. When asked for comment, one Federal Reserve spokesperson simply made the sound of a balloon deflating. President Trump later promised a “beautiful fix,” involving patriotism, two trillion dollars, and a national raffle for one free condo. Tickets start at $44,000.
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