WASHINGTON — In a bold act of legislative empathy, the House passed President Trump’s sweeping 2025 tax-cut bill Thursday, citing urgent concern that billionaires “haven’t smiled in years.” The bill, titled The Relief For America’s Silent Heroes Act, now heads to the Senate, where analysts expect further reductions in audible human decency.
Supporters say the bill provides long-overdue breathing room for yacht owners, premium caviar collectors, and those with enough offshore accounts to lose track. The average American will receive a patriotic sticker and a link to a motivational playlist. “Everyone benefits when billionaires sigh in relief,” said Rep. Jim Stokes, nodding solemnly. “It’s basic math, if you skip the math.”
Under the bill, corporate tax rates plummet to what economists call “symbolic levels,” while loopholes are expanded to include vibes, horse names, and whisper-based income. In exchange, the IRS will now operate from a single booth behind a Cracker Barrel in Nebraska, open Tuesdays from 3:30 to 3:35 p.m.
Democrats offered limited resistance, reportedly distracted by an email that said “urgent” in the subject line but turned out to be about muffins. A few issued statements about the disappearing middle class, which were then sucked into a vacuum created by the bill’s language. The word “middle” no longer appears in federal documents.
President Trump praised the House for its “tremendous courage” in protecting those who “risk everything by existing in penthouses.” At a press event, he smiled faintly when asked about the bill’s impact on the poor, noting they “still have excellent walking infrastructure.” As debate moves to the Senate, staffers warn not to stare directly at the bill without goggles. It reportedly glows when near lobbyists.
© 2025 The Daily Snort
