MINNEAPOLIS — In a staggering Q1 earnings miss Tuesday, Target reported financial results so bad they briefly considered rebranding as Kmart’s ghost. Executives cited backlash over DEI policy flip-flopping, a surging Walmart, and the economic precision of Trump’s 2025 tariffs. Analysts described the situation as “ugly but not quite Sears-level extinction yet.”
After pulling back its diversity efforts in January to appease boycotting culture warriors, Target now finds itself hated by everyone. Progressives are furious, conservatives are confused, and middle-class moms are at Aldi. “We tried to offend no one,” said one executive, “and somehow offended literally every carbon-based life form that shops here.”
Trump’s new tariffs on Chinese imports have also walloped the retailer’s supply chain, driving up prices on garden flamingos, rainbow dog sweaters, and throw pillows embroidered with vague encouragements. Walmart, unfazed by ethics or confusion, has capitalized by offering cheaper goods and unapologetic indifference. “People like a store that commits to its apathy,” experts explained.
Wall Street responded by slashing Target’s valuation, with shares tumbling faster than the clearance rack’s last unicorn-shaped candle. Meanwhile, internal reports cite “sustained hauntings” of former HR slogans echoing through corporate hallways. “We’re not saying DEI is literally haunting us,” said one VP, “but also yes, it is, spiritually and financially.”
In response, Target plans to hold an “Apology Week” where shoppers receive discounts based on how betrayed they feel. Corporate leadership insists they’re working on a strategy that offends everyone equally, restoring balance through bipartisan disappointment. Investors remain skeptical but intrigued. As one strategist put it, “If this many people hate you at once, maybe you’re finally on-brand.” Target declined to comment further, citing a need to “recenter its corporate chakras.”
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