ANTARCTICA — In what officials have firmly categorized as “not on the brochure,” several Navy SEALs claim to have uncovered ancient structures buried beneath two miles of Antarctic ice. The expedition, originally disguised as a cold-weather training mission, reportedly stumbled upon doors thicker than most egos and ceilings that hold themselves up by sheer mystery.
The SEALs described basalt doors eighteen feet thick that allegedly opened with just a casual touch. “Like automatic doors, but ominous,” one unnamed operative said while shivering despite wearing six layers and the crushing weight of existential dread. Inside, the team found a vast chamber spanning nine acres, lit by no visible source, yet perfect for pickup basketball or quiet panicking.
Walls throughout the compound were etched with symbols bearing resemblance to Mayan and Egyptian writing, yet matching neither. “It was like the History Channel had a fever dream,” said one operative who briefly wept after touching a glowing triangle. A symbol known as the “Black Sun” was prominently displayed, causing one SEAL to yell “physics!” before fainting dramatically.
A DIA whistleblower later surfaced, claiming the site aligns with a long-standing extraterrestrial project involving genetic tinkering on Earth for over 270 million years. Allegedly, this includes creating dinosaurs “for vibes” and deleting them when the experiment got messy. Humanity, according to a 1983 classified memo, was engineered later by something with a lab coat and no chill.
The whistleblower also noted an avatar was once sent to Earth to promote love and peace, but was promptly murdered, likely for preaching without a permit. Government officials refused to confirm the site’s existence, but did accidentally release 400 pages of redacted documents labeled “Do Not Open Unless Reality Fails.”
Tourism to the site is currently discouraged, mostly due to unspeakable consequences and frostbite.
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