MOSCOW — In a flamboyant shift from glittering streets to grimy subterranean tunnels, Russia’s LGBTQ+ community has taken this year’s Pride parade deep underground, literally. Organizers say the sewers provide a rare refuge from President Vladimir Putin’s ever-growing arsenal of anti-gay legislation and what experts are calling a suspiciously accurate “gay sixth sense.”
The event, dubbed “Drainbow 2025,” features discreet disco balls made from shattered vodka bottles, synchronized dancing in knee-high sludge, and rainbow flags tie-dyed into Soviet camouflage. One attendee, codenamed “Stiletto Bear,” praised the atmosphere, noting that “the acoustics for Madonna’s Like a Prayer are surprisingly decent in the drainage pipes near Gorky Park.”
Security remains tight. Marchers are required to eat only colorless foods for three days beforehand to avoid triggering Putin’s Skittles-detection drones, reportedly deployed after last year’s confiscated marshmallow float tested positive for “excessive joy.” Parade marshals wear lead-lined raincoats to scramble satellite imaging of their dance formations.
Though spirits remain high in the low places, some logistical issues persist. At least 12 participants have been lost to strong sewer currents, while several drag queens report difficulty maintaining contour in humid methane pockets. “It’s not ideal,” said one performer, “but when your government thinks rainbows are NATO propaganda, you do what you must.”
Authorities have yet to officially comment, though a leaked Kremlin memo reportedly described the Pride sewer shift as “an affront to subterranean purity” and proposed flooding the tunnels with imported Orthodox holy water. Organizers remain defiant. “We may be down here with the rats and expired Lenin posters,” said one masked marcher, “but damn it, we still strut. Even if it’s through human waste.”
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