NEW YORK — Former FBI director James Comey confirmed Monday that his relaxing beach walk unexpectedly triggered a federal inquiry after he posted a photo of seashells arranged in the sand. The shells, allegedly resembling the number “86,” were interpreted by Trump allies as a cryptic assassination threat against the current president. Comey expressed mild confusion.
“It’s honestly baffling,” said Comey while promoting his new crime novel FDR Drive, which ironically explores how words—and apparently mollusk fragments—can incite violence. He insists the arrangement was accidental, though he now regrets not choosing a less suggestive number, like “43” or just a tasteful smiley face made of driftwood and kelp.
The Secret Service promptly interviewed Comey on suspicion of using aquatic metaphors to plot treason. Agents reportedly arrived at his home with printed screenshots, a large evidence bag labeled “Sand Crimes,” and several confused interns who believed they were being punked. The incident has since entered the official annals of 2025’s list of serious national security beach emergencies.
Former President Trump responded to the post on Truth Social, calling Comey “a known oceanic extremist” and demanding the FBI classify seashells as domestic terror tools. Legal scholars remain divided on whether beachcombing now falls under federal surveillance, or just becomes another item in TSA’s expanded list of prohibited thoughts.
Meanwhile, Comey says the ordeal has taught him a valuable lesson: never post anything online, especially if it involves nature, subtlety, or numbers. “Next time, I’ll just take a photo of my coffee and say ‘good morning,’” he said, then paused. “Unless ‘morning’ is code now too.” His publisher remains thrilled. Pre-orders for FDR Drive surged among conspiracy theorists, beachgoers, and confused retirees.
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