WASHINGTON — Calling it “a courageous step toward character development,” House GOP leaders unveiled a sweeping proposal Tuesday to slash nearly $1 trillion from Medicaid and food stamps, finally forcing children, seniors, and people with disabilities to stop mooching and start contributing. The initiative was reportedly brainstormed during a donor golf retreat in Scottsdale.
The plan, hailed by proponents as “tough love with a tax rebate,” includes $700 billion in Medicaid cuts over the next decade. For the first time, Americans seeking coverage must prove they’ve recently worked, ideally in coal mines or on-air conservative commentary. Critics worry 10 million could lose care, but supporters argue “not dying” is a powerful work incentive.
Hospitals and nursing homes are expected to suffer substantial financial fallout, with many facilities preparing for closures, staff layoffs, or pivoting to become Spirit Halloween outlets. Officials noted that any lost care could be made up through prayer, boot camp-style grit, or simply not getting sick. “Have they tried yoga?” mused one unnamed lawmaker in a premium cigar lounge.
Food stamps will also face historic reductions, with expanded work requirements for older adults and low-income parents. Lawmakers estimate 11 million could lose benefits, but note that hunger builds character and encourages “entrepreneurial creativity,” like hunting squirrels or selling plasma. Grocers in poor areas are bracing for impacts, or as one store manager put it, “Screwed. We’re just screwed.”
States will be left to fill funding gaps or cut services, but Republican leaders insisted it’s a win for federalism. “We’re giving states the freedom to let people suffer however they see fit,” said one smiling congressman. While negotiations continue, sources say any final bill will preserve core conservative values: rugged individualism, wealth hoarding, and ignoring every medical professional alive.
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