ATLANTA — In a chilling update Wednesday, aviation experts reminded travelers that, statistically, someone’s final flight is always out there. “Flying is safe,” said one FAA analyst, “but numbers don’t lie. And neither do windows at 30,000 feet.” He referred ominously to Flight 637’s pilot, who recently reported airborne demons mid-route.
Captain Bill Trent, a veteran of 22 years, calmly radioed dispatch last week to confirm “multiple winged entities screaming obscenities and flapping at unnatural speeds” near the aircraft. He described one as “resembling a pterodactyl with self-esteem issues.” Passengers were unaware, distracted by an in-flight screening of Shrek 2 and a malfunctioning snack cart.
“I’m not saying it was hellspawn,” Trent clarified in his report, “but it definitely told me to shut up and die in Latin.” FAA officials are reviewing the footage, which includes the captain briefly whispering the Lord’s Prayer before asking if anyone on board “had garlic or silver.” The co-pilot reportedly offered peanuts.
Aviation statisticians maintain that your chances of dying on a flight remain low, but not zero. “Somebody’s gotta be the one,” said Dr. Varn from the Institute for Statistical Realities. “It could be Gerald in 21B. Could be you. We don’t choose.” She encouraged passengers to enjoy each flight like it’s their last, “because maybe it is.”
Airlines have responded with “Final Flight Packages” that include mood lighting, a heartfelt pre-landing speech, and a soft jazz remix of “Highway to Hell.” Pilots are being trained to smile while suppressing existential dread. Emergency manuals now include Latin translation charts and a brief section on “Identifying Common Midair Demons.”
Experts still recommend flying. Just maybe avoid the window seat.
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