WASHINGTON — Arriving on Capitol Hill in a golf cart with a bald eagle hood ornament, President Donald Trump urged House Republicans to unite behind his proposed budget, which slashes spending across departments not named “Defense” or “Executive Snacks.” Trump assured lawmakers the bill would “make numbers great again” by rounding everything down to zero.
Inside the closed-door session, Trump reportedly waved a gold-plated pie chart showing “good stuff” and “woke garbage,” insisting the nation could no longer afford “feelings-based accounting.” Republicans nodded in polite confusion as the president explained the budget’s benefits, including increased freedom per capita and a $2 billion initiative to teach patriotism through drone shows.
The package, which guts environmental protections and expands military parade funding by 400 percent, has divided Republicans. Fiscal hawks object to the $15 trillion in unfunded promises, while others just resent having to read anything. Speaker Johnson tried to mediate by suggesting everyone pretend the bill passed and see what happens.
Trump ended his pitch by unveiling the “Budget Freedom Hat,” a limited edition red visor that says “You’re Welcome, America.” Lawmakers applauded politely, though one aide was seen quietly Googling “asylum in Canada.” As Trump exited, he declared the bill’s passage inevitable, citing “tremendous vibes” and a promise from Jesus “in a dream shaped like Newt Gingrich.”
The bill faces an uncertain future in the House, with some members still unclear whether it’s legally a budget or just a collection of tweets stapled to a Waffle House menu. Still, Trump remains optimistic, telling reporters he believes “Congress works best when you just show up and threaten to run again.” Approval ratings for arithmetic have since plummeted.
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