TOLEDO, OH — In what health officials are calling “a textbook case of irrational positivity,” 38-year-old Brian Mendez was denied health insurance coverage this week after listing “optimism” as part of his mental state. According to paperwork, Mendez’s unwavering belief that “things will work out” raised multiple actuarial red flags.
The insurance company classified optimism under “delusional tendencies with financial risk,” placing it alongside conditions like joy, ambition, and belief in bipartisan cooperation. A spokesperson explained that optimism leads to reckless life choices like starting families, opening small businesses, or refusing to hoard canned goods. All considered liabilities in today’s market.
Brian, who still believes he’ll retire someday, was shocked by the denial but said he remains hopeful a solution will emerge. He has since been diagnosed with Chronic Unrealistic Outlook Syndrome by an internist who only accepts cash. Friends say he is still smiling, though they admit it’s starting to look like a cry for help.
Health officials are advising citizens to temper expectations, avoid eye contact with sunlight, and never admit to having plans. “Any trace of hope can trigger a coverage audit,” warned a government pamphlet titled Smile at Your Own Risk. Therapy dogs have been replaced with mildly indifferent raccoons to manage public emotional balance.
Despite the setback, Brian says he plans to appeal the ruling using only positive thoughts and three expired coupons. The insurer has responded by preemptively raising his future premiums. Meanwhile, Congress has begun drafting legislation to formally define “grit” as a luxury item. Brian remains undeterred. “The system can’t stay broken forever,” he said, moments before tripping into a pothole shaped like America’s healthcare system.
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