ATLANTA — In a brave stance against basic capitalism, Home Depot announced it will not raise prices despite President Trump’s newest round of tariffs gutting their supply chain like a fish at a county fair. Executives cited their vast scale and diversified imports, claiming they can “ride out the economic wildfire without passing the match.”
The announcement comes as other retailers scramble to shift blame. Walmart has openly blamed the tariffs for hiking prices on everything from diapers to rotisserie chickens, prompting President Trump to accuse them of “economic treason.” He suggested the company instead “absorb the pain like real Americans do, silently and with a flag nearby.”
While Ford quietly jacked up car prices and released a commemorative “Tariff Tough” pickup, Home Depot took the opposite approach. The company, already facing weaker-than-expected quarterly earnings, insists it will make up the losses by “selling more screws, emotionally and financially.” Executives promised not to cut jobs, only benefits, morale, and lightbulbs under 60 watts.
At a press conference held in aisle 17 between mulch and despair, a spokesperson confirmed they will “eat the costs” for now, surviving on volume sales, corporate grit, and prayers to Alan Greenspan’s ghost. The bold move was immediately praised by the White House, which issued a statement titled “This Is What Winning Looks Like, Idiots.”
In other news, Home Depot has begun hiring supermodels looking for work between fashion gigs, citing their “exceptional ability to hold a ladder and look mildly interested in ceiling fans.” Company officials say the move boosts morale, distracts from inflation, and may finally get customers to stop asking where the damn paint is.
Analysts are unsure how long Home Depot can maintain this strategy before collapsing into a pile of unsold patio furniture and patriotic plywood. Trump, however, remains pleased, saying this proves the economy is strong enough to survive “a little fire and casual sacrifice.” Stocks dipped slightly after the speech, mostly out of respect. Consumers responded by buying garden hoses just in case.
© 2025 The Daily Snort
