QUEENS, NY — Longtime hoarder and part-time QVC enthusiast Dolores Caprice, 29, was stunned this week to discover a $50 million lottery win hidden beneath a melted Yankee candle and twelve expired catsup packets in her entryway. The winning ticket, a birthday gift from a friend she hasn’t spoken to since 2003, was nearly tossed.
The friend, Sandra Berkowitz, had mailed the lotto ticket taped inside a novelty birthday card featuring a cartoon raccoon in sunglasses. “I thought it was trash at first,” said Caprice, gesturing vaguely at a leaning tower of empty egg cartons. “Then I remembered Sandra always liked animals in sunglasses, so I took a second look.”
Despite the life-altering fortune, Caprice insists she has no immediate plans to change her lifestyle or remove the seventeen precarious stacks of old Parade magazines blocking every room. “I might buy a second freezer,” she said, standing between two unmarked piles labeled ‘seasonal napkins’ and ‘apparent bees.’ “The current one is mostly filled with expired Hot Pockets and an urn I can’t quite place.”
City officials, notified after her bank flagged a $12,000 purchase of commemorative Elvis plates, visited the home in hazmat suits. “There’s definitely a smell,” noted sanitation inspector Raymond Chu. “We’re unsure if it’s wealth or something that used to be part of a couch. Regardless, we wish her well.”
Caprice has reportedly contacted no financial advisors but did visit a local thrift store to inquire about discounted velvet robes. When asked what she would do with the remainder of her winnings, she responded thoughtfully. “Maybe I’ll get a yacht,” she said. “I’ve always wanted one. I hear they’re great for storage.”
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