ROME — After five decades of relentless spiritual warfare, Italian exorcist Father Luciano Bellini retired this week, expressing deep regret over failing to exorcise the ancient malevolence plaguing Italy’s largest telecom provider’s customer service line. Despite casting out demons from over 3,000 individuals, he admits TIM’s automated system (Telecom Italia Mobile) still haunts him nightly.
“I’ve banished infernal legions from the possessed, but nothing’s worse than that hold music,” Bellini noted, recalling the 47-minute chant loop he endured in 2004 attempting to cancel a landline. “A demon once vomited nails at me. Less hostile than the representative I finally reached, who transferred me into oblivion.”
Though he faced Satanic apparitions, whispering shadows, and the occasional airborne grandfather clock, nothing compared to the disembodied monotone asking him to “press three for billing.” One exorcism in Naples required thirteen hours of prayer and holy water. TIM required three billing cycles and legal threats.
Bellini even sought Vatican approval to conduct a full-site ritual at TIM headquarters. The Great Holy One denied his request, citing insurance concerns and the CEO’s rumored pact with Beelzebub. “Every time I tried a rite over the phone, I was mysteriously disconnected,” he said. “That’s how you know it’s not just bureaucracy.”
In retirement, Bellini plans to write a memoir titled Possession, Oppression, and Excessive Roaming Fees. He remains hopeful that a younger exorcist will rise to defeat the telecom demon, preferably one with better Wi-Fi. He’s also investigating whether Siri might be Latin for serpent.
His final blessing was offered not to a tormented soul, but to a modem blinking in Morse code, possibly spelling “help.” He performed one last ritual, poured holy water on it, and the router immediately upgraded its firmware.
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