WASHINGTON — In a furious Truth Social post typed entirely in caps with at least seven flag emojis, President Donald Trump warned U.S. corporations Tuesday that he will publicly shame any company that raises prices due to tariffs. Walmart was singled out first, accused of cowardice and “economic treason via rollback betrayal.”
According to White House sources, Trump became enraged after learning his favorite off-brand diet soda rose by 11 cents. He immediately demanded an Oval Office briefing, which reportedly lasted three minutes and ended with the president yelling “EAT THE TARIFFS” and pelting staff with commemorative Trump Water bottles from a gold cooler marked “Emergency Only.”
The president later called Jeff Bezos directly after Amazon considered displaying tariff fees as separate line items at checkout. According to aides, Trump opened the call with “Nice rocket, loser” and closed by threatening to send the IRS to space if Bezos didn’t comply. Within hours, the feature vanished and Trump declared “total victory for the working class.”
Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt confirmed the administration’s new strategy, which includes listing “corporate traitors of the week” during Friday press briefings and replacing traditional economic reports with leaderboard graphics. The first leaderboard currently shows Costco, Pfizer, and a suspiciously bolded Dunkin’ Donuts near the top.
When asked what it meant to “eat the tariffs,” Trump explained it involves “digesting inflation like a true capitalist hero” and “not whining like Canada.” Economists have expressed concern, but Trump dismissed them as “number nerds who couldn’t sell a burger if it bit them first.” As of this morning, the Dow dipped slightly while stock in mayonnaise futures mysteriously spiked. Walmart has yet to respond but did quietly remove their rollback signs overnight.
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