WASHINGTON — With tensions mounting overseas and his golf score plateauing, President Donald Trump confirmed Monday that he would personally broker peace in Ukraine by speaking to both Vladimir Putin and Volodymyr Zelenskyy during a phone call he described as “probably history’s most important three-way.” Sources say the president’s top strategy involves winging it.
Trump, who insisted he “knows these guys better than anyone,” stated he would open the call by congratulating Putin on “whatever he’s done lately” before politely asking him to stop the killing. Officials close to the matter confirmed the president also asked aides if Zelenskyy “still does piano stuff” and whether the war had “a halftime yet.”
National Security Council staff reportedly attempted to brief Trump on the complexities of the conflict, only to be waved off with a Sharpie drawing of “Trump Tower: Kyiv” on official CIA letterhead. “He kept calling Crimea ‘Crime Alley’ like it was Batman,” said one anonymous staffer, adding that Trump also requested a ceasefire deal be written in gold font “for seriousness.”
Critics warn the call could further escalate tensions, especially if Trump mistakes Zelenskyy for a Ukrainian version of Andrew Dice Clay again. For now, the Pentagon has begun contingency planning, including the possible evacuation of NATO, Eastern Europe, and “anywhere with vowels.” Sources report Putin remains interested in the call mostly to “see what fresh nonsense this man tries next.”
Despite widespread concern, Trump has expressed confidence, claiming, “I once made peace between Don Jr. and a cheeseburger, I can do this.” As of press time, he was preparing with a stack of expired Russian hotel menus, a globe missing Ukraine, and a signed headshot labeled “Ambassador of Swag.”
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