CAPE CANAVERAL — What was supposed to be a scenic tour of a Florida rocket facility ended with 25-year-old tourist Stacy Mallory sipping mojitos under two suns on what she describes as “a shockingly chill alien beach.” Officials confirmed she accidentally boarded an experimental spacecraft during a selfie spree near an unsecured launch pad.
Mallory, who thought she was entering a gift shop, claims she mistook the launch countdown for a hologram show and only realized something was off when gravity took a personal vacation. She briefly blacked out and woke up reclining on a pulsating sandbar beside at least three semi-translucent beings offering guacamole from an orb-shaped bowl.
According to Stacy, the aliens communicated through “a sort of telepathic Spotify playlist,” mostly ambient house music with occasional dolphin screeches. “They were super welcoming,” Mallory reported, “but did keep offering to exfoliate my brain. I think it was a translation issue.” She described the mojitos as “lime forward with a mild plasma burn aftertaste.”
NASA refused to comment, though sources confirmed the spacecraft had no planned human passengers. A technician allegedly noticed someone snoring inside the cabin mid-launch but assumed it was a misplaced dog. Mallory returned two days later via wormhole, landing in the parking lot of a Jacksonville Arby’s and demanding a towel and charger.
Though slightly sunburned and temporarily fluent in a clicking dialect known as “Z’tok,” Mallory says the trip changed her life. She now plans to launch an interstellar travel agency from her garage and sells t-shirts that read “I Got Probed in Paradise.” As of press time, TSA flagged her luggage for a glowing seashell emitting low-frequency whispers of regret and EDM.
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