SAN FRANCISCO — After years of bitter legal combat, Epic Games filed a new motion Monday requesting that a federal judge force Apple to approve Fortnite’s return to the App Store, claiming America’s youth “desperately need a familiar digital battleground to scream into at dinner tables across the nation.”
Epic argues Apple’s continued resistance to the game’s reinstatement constitutes “emotional harm to millions of kids and at least six professional YouTubers.” The company emphasized Fortnite’s educational value, citing lessons in survival, architecture, and “aggressive flossing under fire.” Court filings included 37 exhibits of children crying near locked iPhones.
Apple’s legal team responded by suggesting Epic “make a different game or perhaps go outside.” CEO Tim Cook reportedly laughed for eight straight minutes when informed of the filing, before checking stock prices and whispering “We could end bananas tomorrow.” Apple maintains it is not legally obligated to “platform digital cosplay warzones with vending machines full of guns.”
Judge Marianne Teller, who presided over earlier clashes between the companies, reportedly rolled her eyes so hard her clerk heard it. Still, she agreed to hear the case, noting it could “set precedent for future whining-as-a-service lawsuits.” Legal analysts described the odds of Epic winning as slim, but not zero, especially if teenagers testify in tears.
As the next court date approaches, Epic has launched a new PR campaign titled “Justice Royale,” featuring clips of teens sobbing over Minecraft as a poor substitute. Apple, meanwhile, quietly pushed a new update requiring 14 additional permissions just to open Settings. Fortnite remains banned, though Tim Sweeney confirmed Epic will “never stop fighting for the right to market cartoon violence inside a walled garden.” The kids, for now, remain unshot.
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