WASHINGTON — In a surprise press conference held in front of a malfunctioning Tesla Supercharger, President Donald Trump announced Monday that Dogecoin would now serve as the United States’ “official backup currency” following the abrupt resignation of his fourth Treasury Secretary this year. Trump cited “strong vibes” and “Elon’s cosmic instincts” as key factors.
Elon Musk, who reportedly vanished into a literal mist during a recent SpaceX livestream, has not been seen in public since announcing he would “focus inward and upward.” In response, Dogecoin’s price spiked before plummeting directly into what economists described as “the Mariana Trench of bad ideas.” Trump claimed this was “just a little correction.”
The administration confirmed that all IRS refunds will now be issued in Dogecoin, unless citizens opt for the alternative: expired Trump Steaks gift cards. “We’re making the economy fun again,” Trump told reporters, flanked by a cartoon Shiba Inu wearing a MAGA hat. He then unveiled a commemorative “Doge Dollar” coin that has no monetary value but “feels amazing in the hand.”
When asked who would oversee economic policy going forward, Trump pointed to a digital photo frame displaying rotating NFTs. Sources inside the White House claim the president has been holding cabinet meetings inside a virtual Chuck E. Cheese built in the Metaverse. The economy, analysts note, has not technically collapsed yet but is now legally classified as “narrative-driven.”
As of Wednesday morning, Americans can check their bank accounts through a new app called “DogEconomy,” which randomly assigns balances based on lunar cycles and Trump’s sleep schedule. Critics warned of chaos, but Trump insisted, “If it barks and it spends, we’re winning.” The Dow dropped 800 points immediately following the announcement.
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