NEW YORK — The S&P 500 notched its fifth consecutive win this week, proving once again that numbers can go up forever while human joy remains stubbornly finite. The Dow and Nasdaq also inched higher, much to the delight of algorithms and the vague unease of anyone who remembers 2008. Analysts confirmed the rally was fueled by “hopium” and corporate buybacks.
Experts say the market’s relentless climb reflects strong fundamentals, if by “fundamentals” you mean “the Fed printing money and everyone pretending not to notice.” One trader admitted, “At this point, we’re just betting on which tech CEO will tweet something dumb enough to move stocks but not dumb enough to crash them.” So far, the strategy is working.
Meanwhile, ordinary Americans watched their 401(k)s grow while their rent, groceries, and existential dread grew faster. “It’s great that my retirement fund is up,” said one worker, “but I can’t afford to retire, so I’m not sure what the point is.” Economists assured him the point is to make rich people richer, which is technically how the system was designed.
As stocks hit new highs, analysts warned the party could end at any moment, or not at all, or maybe after the election, depending on which cable news channel you watch. Until then, enjoy the fake prosperity while it lasts. Just don’t think too hard about what’s actually backing any of this up. Reality is overrated anyway.
© 2025 The Daily Snort
