WASHINGTON — In a shocking display of legislative dysfunction, Senate Republicans announced they will not rubber-stamp the House’s latest “Let’s Make America 1890 Again” bill without first adding their own disastrous tweaks. The House version, which slashes Medicaid to fund tax breaks for yacht owners, was deemed “too mean-spirited” by senators who prefer their cruelty wrapped in fiscal responsibility.
The Senate’s main gripe is the bill’s lack of subtlety. While the House eagerly gutted clean energy programs to fund border walls made of pure spite, Senate Republicans worry the deficit might grow slightly. “We can’t just hand out tax cuts like candy unless we also pretend to care about debt,” said one senator while adjusting his fainting couch.
Meanwhile, House Republicans are furious their colleagues across the Capitol aren’t blindly endorsing their “Eat the Poor Act.” “We worked hard to make this bill as heartless as possible,” grumbled a House aide, “and now these Senate moderates want to water it down with minor changes? What’s next, means-testing our corporate kickbacks?”
Political analysts predict the final bill will be a Frankenstein monster of bad ideas, merging the House’s unabashed greed with the Senate’s performative hand-wringing. “At this rate, they’ll pass something nobody likes but everyone can blame on the other side,” said one expert. “Which, honestly, is how legislation always works.”
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