WASHINGTON — In a heartwarming display of diplomatic hustle, Latin American leaders have embraced the time-honored U.S. tradition of throwing money at problems until they go away. El Salvador’s Nayib Bukele led the charge, spending $1.5 million on lobbyists and walking away with a nuclear deal, a prison expansion, and a firm handshake from Trump. Democracy has never been more efficient.
Other regional strongmen quickly took notes, realizing that policy outcomes are just a Mar-a-Lago dinner reservation away. Ecuador’s president dropped cash on a lobbyist and promptly received extra guns and a suspiciously timed intelligence report calling him a “great guy.” Argentina’s Javier Milei skipped the middleman and just paid Trump directly in steak dinners and CPAC clout. The results? A $20 billion IMF deal and the title of “favorite president.”
At the center of this pay-to-play paradise is Miami lobbyist Damian Merlo, who has turned “access capitalism” into a thriving business model. For just $75,000 a month, he’ll make sure Trump knows your country exists. Experts say this is actually a bargain compared to how much U.S. corporations spend for the same service. “Why invade a country when you can just Venmo a lobbyist?” asked one diplomat.
The only losers in this system are citizens who still believe foreign policy is about ideals rather than who buys the best photo-op. But as Bukele proved, if you’ve got the cash, you too can have a nuclear program and a glowing U.S. travel advisory. Welcome to the American dream, now available in bulk discounts.
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