CALIFORNIA — In a move hailed as “either revolutionary or terrifying,” Google announced its latest AI accessibility features that allow blind users to ask Gemini deeply personal questions like “What’s in this image?” and “Why is my dating profile not working?” The upgraded TalkBack function now offers unsolicited opinions on everything from clothing choices to questionable text messages.
The Expressive Captions update takes passive-aggressive communication to new heights by accurately transcribing elongated words like “fooorkuuuuuu” and awkward throat clears. Google engineers confirmed the AI has been trained on millions of uncomfortable family gatherings to perfectly capture that special moment when your mother says “interesting” in a way that means “disappointing.”
Accessibility advocates praised the updates while noting the AI still can’t answer why society keeps forgetting basic accommodations should have existed years ago. For now, Google assured users the technology would never be used for evil, just before demonstrating how it could identify exact change amounts for panhandlers and translate corporate lies into “inspirational mission statements.”
The features roll out next week, giving everyone time to prepare for their devices to finally understand sarcasm better than their therapists. Google reminded users that while AI can now describe photos and interpret sighs, it still can’t fix the crushing loneliness of modern existence. That feature remains in beta.
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