MUSKEGON, MI — Chaos briefly erupted at a local Walmart when longtime greeter Linda Farnsworth, 27, paused mid-smile, stared into the fluorescent void, and loudly asked, “Why am I so angry at the world right now?” Customers applauded in confusion. One man wept. Another took a selfie and returned to buying cat litter.
Farnsworth, known for her aggressive “Welcome to Walmart” delivery, reportedly snapped after her 37th customer ignored her greeting while simultaneously dropping a half-eaten muffin on the floor and asking where the adult Lunchables were. Witnesses say she blinked twice, adjusted her blue vest, then began questioning the existence of hope, decency, and adequate healthcare.
“I don’t know what broke her,” said assistant manager Kyle. “She’s usually great at bottling soul-crushing despair. But today she saw a man lick the credit card machine and something just clicked. She started muttering about late-stage capitalism and how the automatic doors mock her spirit.”
Shoppers initially assumed it was performance art. One child asked if she was part of a new Walmart promotion. When Farnsworth began chanting the phrase “rollback my will to live” and gesturing toward the sky, several guests took it as a sign to abandon their carts and reflect on their life choices.
Corporate has issued no official comment, though sources say they offered Farnsworth a five-dollar gift card and a coupon for expired cheese sticks. She instead used the gift card to buy batteries, a garden gnome, and a copy of Chicken Soup for the Employee Trapped in a Late-Capitalist Nightmare.
Experts believe Farnsworth’s existential meltdown will be briefly inspirational before everyone forgets and continues silently screaming in line for self-checkout. Walmart remains open, spiritually haunted, and fully stocked with seasonal despair at unbeatable prices.
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