WASHINGTON — Speaking from a presidential podium shaped like a fist, President Donald Trump issued a stark warning Tuesday, declaring that if Iran fails to agree to a new nuclear deal, it will face “violence like people haven’t seen before, except maybe in Bible stuff or, like, really intense action movies.”
Trump outlined the binary options available to Iran: complete nuclear abstinence or experiencing what he described as “a historical event with explosions people will talk about in future cave paintings.” The president refused to elaborate on specific military plans, citing strategic ambiguity and the element of surprise, which he believes to be “very cinematic, very ratings-friendly.”
National security experts appeared baffled but not surprised. One Pentagon source said the administration’s official strategy appears to involve threatening biblical-scale firepower unless Iran agrees to stop what they aren’t publicly doing yet. Trump reportedly compared the scenario to “negotiating with a misbehaving Roomba holding plutonium,” while gesturing at a photo of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad from 2008.
Iranian officials called the threat “vague but deeply American,” and expressed concern that U.S. foreign policy is now being run like a mob shakedown scripted by a half-asleep AI. Back in Washington, Trump unveiled the negotiation slogan “No Nukes or Ka-Boom,” which White House aides confirmed had tested well among voters who think diplomacy is a type of sandwich.
As talks continue, Trump promised to personally draft the next nuclear agreement using “the best words, absolutely peace-inducing words.” He also suggested that if Iran complies, he may allow them to co-host a future season of The Apprentice: Regime Edition, though only if “they behave and stop with all the uranium flirting.”
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