WASHINGTON — House Republicans revealed a sweeping new tax proposal Monday that budget analysts confirm would add over $2.5 trillion to the federal deficit, a figure lawmakers described as “surprisingly affordable” if you ignore math, reality, and the year 2035 entirely. President Trump praised the plan as “big, beautiful, and barely legal.”
Supporters insist the cuts will spark economic growth so powerful it becomes self-aware and starts filing its own taxes. Critics noted the bill seems laser-focused on relieving billionaires of the burden of too much yacht. When asked how the deficit would be addressed, one House aide whispered “growth fairies,” then stared into space for 45 seconds straight.
Economists warn the proposal lacks guardrails and relies heavily on something called “vibes-based forecasting,” which assumes prosperity happens if you believe hard enough and clap whenever GDP drops. Trump called it “trickle-up prosperity,” a term he says he invented after watching champagne run off a tower of golden toilets at a donor event in Palm Beach.
The plan slashes corporate taxes, eliminates inheritance taxes, and includes a special clause allowing oil executives to claim their souls as charitable losses. In the mean time, middle-class families will receive a tax break large enough to cover one Amazon delivery of socks and maybe a third of a dental visit if nobody gets numbed.
Pressed on the rising deficit, GOP leaders claimed it’s not real because “the government owes the money to itself, which sounds fine.” Trump doubled down, saying that in the long run, America will “grow its way out by being incredible.” As of press time, a commemorative coin titled Fiscal Responsibility: 2025 Edition was found wedged inside a gold-plated shredder at the Treasury.
© 2025 The Daily Snort
