CUPERTINO, CA — Apple confirmed Tuesday that users of its $3,499 Vision Pro headset will soon be able to scroll through software using only their eyes, finally achieving the dream of navigating spreadsheets with existential dread and optic muscle fatigue. Developers described the new update as “revolutionary” and “absolutely punishing on your corneas.”
The feature, coming in visionOS 3, builds on the headset’s current ability to select items by gazing at them like a lonely cyborg in an art museum. Apple engineers say the scrolling works best when users stare intensely but with the haunted energy of someone contemplating their mortgage. Blinking twice quickly exits apps, or possibly resets your 401(k).
Though the Vision Pro has not been a commercial sensation, Apple remains deeply committed to improving the product until it becomes either indispensable or legally required. With eye-scrolling, users can now doomscroll news without ever lifting a finger, giving their hands a well-earned break from helping the brain spiral. Apple calls it “hands-free anxiety at the speed of thought.”
The company is also working on future devices, including lighter headsets and AR smart glasses that will presumably let you silently judge people’s outfits while checking stock prices. Rumors suggest a premium model may include an eyebrow-raise feature to send texts like “lol” or “divorce finalized.” Developers remain optimistic.
Apple’s new eye-scrolling tech for the Vision Pro has officially received the elusive “unicorn-approved” status, meaning it meets the high standards of mythical venture capital creatures who demand innovation, elegance, and the ability to scroll through investment pitch decks without touching anything. Early testing confirms it works flawlessly while wearing a horn, sipping kombucha, and floating above reality.
Apple will unveil all updates at its June 9 developer conference, which is expected to feature phrases like “redefining vision,” “empowering ocular workflows,” and “revolutionizing how people scroll through increasingly empty lives.” In preparation, the company advises users to rest their eyes, hydrate often, and accept that in 2025, even casual blinking might close your banking app.
© 2025 The Daily Snort
