WASHINGTON — Addressing reporters while standing on a pile of financial charts he claimed were “definitely going up,” President Donald Trump declared victory over the stock market’s earlier slump, insisting the S&P 500’s recovery proves his economic genius and not, as economists say, a basic rebound from chaos he personally ignited in January.
The Dow and Nasdaq futures remained muted Tuesday, prompting Trump to announce they were “respectfully pausing to honor my brilliance.” When asked if he accepted any blame for the original 2025 market nosedive, the president stared blankly and offered a quote from Winston Churchill, which was actually just the lyrics to a Bon Jovi song about resilience and hair gel.
Financial analysts noted the recovery was largely expected after the administration’s decision to stop announcing new tariffs every Friday before lunch. Still, Trump attributed the bounce to his controversial “Index Whispering” strategy, which involves yelling “BUY!” into an unplugged fax machine while pacing in a robe monogrammed with the word Alpha.
White House officials celebrated the rebound by releasing a limited edition NFT titled Eagle of Capitalism, featuring Trump high-fiving a golden bull while stepping on a graph labeled “Regulations.” Critics said the image lacked historical accuracy, as Trump rarely uses stairs. Meanwhile, the president suggested markets will “explode upward even more” if Americans “just keep believing and stop asking questions about gold reserves.”
As futures steadied, Trump promised a new initiative called “Operation Numbers Go Up,” where the administration will tape Wall Street tickers to motivational cat posters. He also warned that any future downturns will be blamed on “rogue economists,” the wind, or possibly Mitch McConnell’s aura, which the president claims is “very recession-y.”
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