RIYADH — President Donald Trump, halfway through his whirlwind diplomatic tour of the Gulf, met with leaders from Bahrain, Kuwait, Oman, Qatar, Saudi Arabia and the UAE Tuesday, confidently announcing afterward that “the Middle East is doing tremendously well under my second term.” Sources say Trump asked if they’d “finally finished the pyramids” during opening remarks.
Trump’s arrival in Qatar followed an hour-long meeting with Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, during which Trump reportedly praised Assad’s “strong leadership in interior decorating” after mistaking a war bunker for a minimalist resort. “This place has great potential,” Trump said, standing beside a collapsed bridge he described as “an edgy, modern walkway.”
The Gulf leaders reportedly maintained diplomatic smiles while Trump offered unsolicited real estate advice and encouraged them to rename OPEC to “Trump Oil Incorporated,” which he claimed sounded “more American.” At one point, he suggested installing golf courses across desert borders as “a great peace strategy and a tax write-off.”
Upon landing in Doha, Trump addressed the media, stating, “We’ve achieved total agreement on everything. Tremendous deals. They love me here. The camels love me. Even the sand.” He then attempted to salute a palm tree before being redirected toward the Qatari Emir. “Great guy,” Trump said. “Very tall. Could be a linebacker.”
White House officials later clarified that the president’s itinerary was “technically adhered to, loosely interpreted,” and that his brief detour into Syria was “not legally an invasion.” In other news, Air Force One has reportedly been stocked with extra Diet Coke and falafel, as Trump continues his diplomatic mission “to make the Middle East slightly less confusing for Americans watching at home.” The administration expects zero consequences, and possibly a new hotel franchise.
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