WASHINGTON — In a move that has baffled lawmakers and confused game show producers, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer announced Monday a total hold on Justice Department political nominees until “someone explains why Qatar is handing Trump a Gulfstream like he won a spin-the-wheel challenge.”
Schumer’s press secretary confirmed the senator would not allow nominees to advance unless officials detail “why a foreign monarchy is acting like a sketchy uncle trying to offload his boat.” Questions include whether the plane might become a de facto Air Force One, what kind of cloaking devices have been installed, and how many taxpayer dollars are needed to repaint it gold.
The White House pushed back with a statement noting that if the president accepts the aircraft, “he’ll do so legally, patriotically, and with tasteful reclining leather.” Unnamed ethics officials suggested this could still violate the Emoluments Clause, especially if the jet comes with a “mystery box of rubies and a complimentary strongman to carry him.”
Republican lawmakers criticized Schumer’s delay, claiming it unfairly weaponizes procedural norms against “honest attempts to privatize American air travel.” Senate aides said they now spend 10 hours a day scheduling vote delays between reading the Constitution and weeping quietly into folders labeled “normal times.”
Security experts say converting a foreign aircraft into Air Force One may present “minor” risks, including espionage, hacked lavatory doors, or the sudden reappearance of Jared Kushner mid-flight. As of press time, Trump was reportedly evaluating the offer based on “seat comfort, snack selection, and how cool he looks stepping out of it in aviators with no context.”
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