In a jaw-dropping development shaking both novelty stores and third-grade classrooms nationwide, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has announced a mandatory recall of over 14 million whoopee cushions after reports surfaced that the devices were triggering involuntary flatulence in users who sat on them. The cushions were manufactured in a single factory located somewhere in southern China.
According to the report each affected unit appears to emit not only the classic synthetic noise, but also a small puff of mystery gas that bypasses user control and causes actual gastrointestinal release. Adults and children alike have been caught off guard during parties, funerals, and driver’s license photos. Some described the effect as confusing others as deeply cleansing. Few were amused.
The Chinese manufacturer known only as GasTech issued a brief statement claiming the cushions were produced using “new experimental materials.” They stopped short of admitting any wrongdoing though several senior engineers have reportedly gone missing. One anonymous source familiar with the situation described the material as “vaguely biological” and “probably illegal in Europe.” No one is sure how the gas works or where it goes after.
Authorities warn citizens not to attempt destroying the affected whoopee cushions at home as heat seems to amplify their potency. Disposal sites have been set up in select cities, but the cushions continue to be sold online by resellers claiming they offer “next-level pranking.” Sales have increased. Children remain unaware of the horror. Parents suspect something is deeply broken in the soul of capitalism.
A class-action lawsuit is already underway spearheaded by victims whose careers, social lives, and pelvic floor integrity were compromised. For the moment, prank culture has entered an awkward introspective period. Nobody wants to be the next person who actually farts.
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