VINELAND, NJ — Chaos erupted Tuesday morning when 21-year-old local woman Brianna Tellsworth was reportedly snatched from her shower by what several witnesses insist was the infamous Jersey Devil. Authorities arrived to find the bathroom door torn from its hinges, a trail of steam, and one very rattled Pomeranian named Spaghetti still barking at the tiles.
The abduction, described as “incredibly wet and confusing,” has left residents reeling. Eyewitness Myrtle Cranston, 84, said she saw a “giant goat bat thing with hooves and no shame” flee the house carrying what appeared to be a slippery woman wrapped in sheer terror and half a loofah. “I haven’t seen anything like it since the blackout of ’77,” she said, chain-smoking aggressively.
Police remain skeptical of the supernatural angle but confirm the victim has not yet been found. When asked about potential suspects, Sheriff Duane Kilpatrick shrugged and said, “We’re looking into it. Could be drugs. Could be a horny deer. Could be Satan. It’s Jersey.” Meanwhile, search dogs followed the scent trail for two miles before collapsing out of sheer secondhand embarrassment.
Cryptozoologists have already arrived in town, eager to collect evidence and possibly sell branded t-shirts. “This is textbook Jersey Devil behavior,” said Dr. Arlo Finch, standing in a Walgreens parking lot with night vision goggles and a net. “It always goes for women in showers. It’s a pattern. A moist, disturbing pattern.”
Neighbors held a candlelight vigil at the edge of Wharton State Forest, where several teens claimed to hear high-pitched screeching and Taylor Swift playing faintly from the woods. Despite the fear, Myrtle Cranston remains vigilant. “If it comes back,” she said, loading a shotgun with rock salt, “it’s getting baptized in buckshot and holy water.”
© 2025 The Daily Snort
