MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — In an inspiring act of digital mercy, Google announced Tuesday the rollout of Advanced Protection mode for Android users who’d prefer their phones lag slightly before being infiltrated by spyware. The new feature, arriving with Android 16, offers enhanced defenses for journalists, officials, and people whose emails start with “I’m concerned.”
The toggle-based mode activates a delightful suite of safeguards, including zero-day exploit resistance, anti-spyware shielding, and a friendly message warning you that “your phone will now function like it’s underwater.” Google engineers confirmed that while performance may suffer, users can take comfort knowing the device is dying in the name of security, like a smartphone version of a noble war horse.
Cybersecurity experts applauded the move, noting it could frustrate mercenary malware groups like NSO by making hacking “boring and slow.” However, they also warned that the new protections do not apply to users who insist on downloading flashlight apps from suspicious Bulgarian forums. Google declined to comment on rumors that the next phase of protection involves mailing users a brick and suggesting they go analog.
Officials say the mode is particularly useful for individuals likely to be targeted by hostile actors, such as dissidents, whistleblowers, or anyone who once texted “Let’s talk later” near a CIA field operative. Despite this, Google insists the feature is not paranoia-inducing and should be viewed as “just a cozy blanket for your digital soul.”
As rollout continues, users are encouraged to enable the setting and then wait patiently for their battery to last nine minutes. Google also confirmed that if a device is still hacked under Advanced Protection, the phone will at least have the decency to lie about it convincingly until completely bricked.
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