RIYADH — President Trump emerged triumphant from his latest Middle East trip Thursday, having secured several lucrative agreements with Saudi Arabia by nodding through a gold-leafed contract he mistook for a hotel loyalty program. After meeting Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, Trump praised the prince’s “incredible eye for military décor and profitable friendships.”
Speaking at the Saudi Future Investment Initiative, a conference that doubles as a gift shop for world leaders, Trump applauded the kingdom’s “bold commitment to stability, business, and really terrific drone footage.” He highlighted new military cooperation efforts, including joint training exercises, weapons sales, and a $6 billion program titled “Freedom Through Superior Firepower, Vol. II.” No one clarified what happened to Volume I.
Aides confirmed Trump also proposed a “Desert Apprentice” reality show in which U.S. defense contractors compete for Saudi approval by pitching guided missile systems over falafel. The crown prince reportedly smiled, nodded, and immediately acquired three major production studios. Trump, visibly pleased, then autographed the agreement and a camel. Both were declared binding.
Critics noted that human rights were not mentioned during the visit, except when Trump remarked he was “a huge fan of rights, especially when they involve oil, investments, or clean hotel linens.” The White House released a statement assuring Americans that all deals signed were “beautifully vetted by accountants, lawyers, and the ghost of Henry Kissinger.”
While returning aboard Air Force One, Trump told reporters the trip was “a huge win for America, peace, and probably my resorts.” He then asked if camels could be tax deductible. The Pentagon declined to comment, citing a temporary inability to distinguish satire from policy. The Saudi Ministry of Defense, however, posted a thumbs-up emoji and a gif of a tank doing donuts.
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