WASHINGTON, D.C. — Marking National Police Week with his usual sense of occasion and reality elasticity, President Donald Trump solemnly honored fallen officers Tuesday before pivoting effortlessly into a spirited takedown of what he described as Biden’s “soft-on-crime, hard-on-facts” regime. Surrounded by flags, sheriffs, and legally ambiguous merchandise, Trump promised to bring law and order back from the dead.
Declaring May 15 “Peace Officers Memorial Day” with the tone of a man christening a yacht made of barbed wire, Trump praised the “thin blue line,” which he now claims he personally invented in 2017 using a Sharpie and divine intervention. While addressing grieving families, he warned that under Biden, America had become “a crime-ridden haunted house” where criminals roam free, occasionally stealing catalytic converters and democratic norms.
“Under my watch,” Trump claimed, “we had crime in a chokehold. Now it’s doing cartwheels across the border in fentanyl clown shoes.” The crowd, mostly retired officers and future podcast guests, nodded somberly as he unveiled a fresh plan: deputizing select Mar-a-Lago members and placing border agents on Jet Skis. No one was entirely sure if he was serious, which only added to the spiritual weight of the ceremony.
Critics argue Trump’s law-and-order legacy includes pepper-spraying peaceful protesters and forgetting what the Fourth Amendment is, but supporters insist he’s the only man brave enough to give cops more military gear and fewer questions. National Police Week, traditionally a time of bipartisan reflection, has officially entered its 2024 phase: televised grief, tactical praise, and promises scrawled in permanent marker on aging campaign banners. The Department of Justice declined to comment, citing its ongoing efforts to remain employed.
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