CINCINNATI — Calling it a “heroic return to natural living,” local resident Kyle Mercer announced Monday he’s officially living his farm-to-table dream by eating grass straight from his backyard. Citing soaring grocery prices and vague memories of Boy Scout survival tips, Mercer now grazes twice daily beside his patio furniture like a nervous goat.
Mercer began the diet after realizing a single avocado now costs more than his Netflix subscription. “I figured the earth provides,” he said, chewing deliberately. Friends report he’s lost seven pounds, several Facebook friends, and possibly some essential nutrients. Mercer insists it’s a small price to pay for ethical, locally sourced lawn cuisine.
To boost variety, he’s experimented with seasonal dandelions, driveway moss, and what may have been ornamental kale. His TikTok cooking series Grass Fed by Grass features recipes like “sun-kissed clippings” and “wild yard salad with hose vinaigrette.” Reviews are mixed, though his dog appears supportive, if confused by the role reversal.
Mercer now wears flannel unironically and claims he feels “more connected to the land, and less connected to stomach bacteria protocols.” When neighbors questioned his barefoot crouching and mooing noises, he assured them it was “performance foraging.” He recently applied for a grant from the local art council and a compost discount card.
Nutritionists remain alarmed, noting the human body isn’t designed to digest cellulose, but Mercer believes he’s pioneering “eco-resilience cuisine.” He plans to write a book titled From Suburb to Savannah: One Man’s Journey Back to the Lawn. His only regret is not harvesting earlier, before the weed killer application.
For now, Mercer remains committed to his green lifestyle. He’s saving money, losing teeth, and finding unexpected joy in crabgrass risotto. Next week’s plan: fermenting mulch.
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