WASHINGTON — In a surprise announcement delivered from a hastily arranged podium at the Mar-a-Lago breakfast buffet, President Donald Trump declared Monday that China had agreed to “completely, absolutely, and beautifully” open its markets to American companies, hailing it as the biggest trade victory since “the Louisiana Purchase, or maybe even Domino’s Pizza.”
Speaking confidently over the clatter of mimosa pitchers, Trump assured supporters that the deal would allow U.S. businesses to operate in China with fewer restrictions, describing the plan as “mutually terrific” for both economies. When pressed for specifics, Trump gestured at a laminated placemat featuring a cartoon panda and said, “Right there. That’s a map of success. Incredible.”
Despite the fact that he currently holds no official role in government, Trump insisted the breakthrough was a direct result of “ongoing conversations I had with powerful Chinese leaders via email, mostly forwards.” Sources within the Chinese government responded with confusion, noting they have not been in contact with Trump since “at least the TikTok thing, maybe earlier.”
The White House, caught off guard by the press attention, issued a brief statement clarifying that no such agreement with China exists and that President Biden was “focused on real policy.” Undeterred, Trump continued to field questions about the deal while ordering a second Belgian waffle. He promised “many American jobs in the chopstick sector,” adding that “fortune cookies will finally tell the truth again.”
At press time, Trump revealed plans for a new line of luxury MAGA-themed dumplings, reportedly shaped like small bald eagles and filled with “real American cheese.” He assured everyone that the dumplings would be made in China, “as a symbol of trade victory, and also because it’s way cheaper.”
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