WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a classified report accidentally left on a Chili’s table, officials revealed growing concern that former President Donald Trump may, in fact, be a preteen boy trapped inside a septuagenarian real estate tycoon. The report includes behavioral analysis, snack preferences, and one unsettling moment involving Fortnite terminology during a NATO briefing.
According to the nation’s top psychologists, the former president exhibits patterns consistent with a hormonal eighth grader: an obsession with name-calling, a fixation on boobs, and the alarming tendency to storm out of interviews like someone grounded from their Xbox. Experts say Trump may have become developmentally frozen around the time he first discovered Garfield comics and testosterone.
The Pentagon has since formed a discreet task force, Project Orange Peel, to determine the extent of the anomaly. The team, composed of neurologists, exorcists, and one extremely disappointed child therapist, believes confirmation could fundamentally alter presidential history. Unfortunately, all tests require consent, and Melania’s signature might be easier to acquire than a tissue in a blizzard of cheeseburgers.
“Melania will sign anything if we slide it under a boutique gift card,” said one unnamed official, “but Trump won’t fall for paperwork unless it’s wrapped in a fake check from Monopoly or attached to a tweet.” So far, their most promising approach is disguising the brain scan as a golf tournament giveaway, with a collectible hat and mystery nugget.
If confirmed, this diagnosis could explain everything from cabinet appointments to his TikTok-worthy dance moves. Officials say they’re cautiously optimistic but warn of severe risks if they trigger a tantrum mid-MRI. The task force is still awaiting a response to their test request, which Trump reportedly called “a total hoax by puberty-hating losers who don’t even lift.”
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