SEATTLE — After years of chasing the bourgeois dream of a heated apartment and vegetables, local minimalist Peter Krantz says he’s finally found peace—and tetanus—by moving into a structurally sound refrigerator box behind a Jiffy Lube and embracing a low-waste, rodent-based diet. “I’ve never felt freer,” he whispered through chattering teeth.
What started as a weekend Marie Kondo binge spiraled into a full renunciation of walls, doors, and non-feral protein. Krantz now wakes at sunrise, or when raccoons step on his face, and prepares breakfast using a solar-powered lighter and whatever the rats didn’t eat first. “People overcomplicate life with plumbing,” he says, sipping puddle water from an old Croc.
Critics of his lifestyle argue that it is indistinguishable from homelessness. Krantz counters by pointing to the artisanal pinecone arrangement outside his box and his heavily curated trash pile, which he says represents “late-capitalist decay.” He funds his lifestyle by offering walking tours of “authentic urban grit” to TikTok influencers, who film content while nervously avoiding eye contact.
Krantz claims his protein-rich rodent diet has improved his health, though a recent checkup revealed moderate sepsis and what the doctor described as “advanced raccoon exposure.” Still, Krantz remains committed to the lifestyle. “If the rats can thrive on pizza crusts and antifreeze, so can I,” he said while gnawing something squeaky.
Despite the frequent pneumonia, Krantz says he’s never been more spiritually aligned with the earth’s vibrations, or with the electrical transformer buzzing above his box. “Minimalism isn’t about having less,” he said. “It’s about realizing that nothing was yours to begin with—especially not pants.” He then excused himself to chase a possum he described as “lunch on legs.”
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