SEATTLE — Investors scrambled to buy Amazon stock Monday after the U.S. and China agreed to slash tariffs to levels not seen since last month, prompting Wall Street analysts to emit a collective sigh loud enough to rattle Bloomberg terminals. The news sent the NASDAQ skyward, briefly confusing it with Elon Musk’s personal altitude ambitions.
Amazon, which depends heavily on Chinese merchants and goods for its vast e-commerce empire of plastic joy and mild regret, saw its shares surge over 12%. Economists say the detente, which lowers reciprocal tariffs to a mere 10%, could ease tensions just enough to let Americans go back to yelling at Alexa without crying about inflation. Jeff Bezos was reportedly seen smiling, an omen last observed during the 2018 drone pilot layoffs.
“Finally, we can return to importing entire families of plastic patio furniture without needing a second mortgage,” said one investor before turning into a pile of fiat currency. The 20% fentanyl-related tariff remains, which experts say ensures trade policy remains both confusing and morally performative. White House officials insist this layered tariff strategy represents “economic nuance” and not a lack of communication with the Treasury Department.
In other exciting news, Amazon vendors across the globe celebrated by immediately raising prices anyway, citing “supply chain trauma” and “vibes.” China, in a stunning show of cooperation, agreed to reduce counter-tariffs but quietly replaced them with mandatory TikTok exposure to American teens. Markets responded positively. Economists say the 90-day window may lead to an “amicable economic dissolution,” a term previously reserved for Gwyneth Paltrow divorces.
As stocks soared, the only thing falling faster than tariff rates was the number of Americans who understand what a tariff is. But not to worry, Amazon’s got an educational kit for that. Ships from Shenzhen.
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