UNITED STATES — After decades of relentless innovation, wealth consolidation, and gig-economy cheerleading, citizens confirmed Thursday that the final reward for enduring late-stage capitalism appears to be an elite space cult run by men who think rocket shapes are a personality. Economists call it “an inevitable outcome of unregulated ambition and deeply unmet fatherly approval.”
The cult, loosely organized around launchpads and libertarian podcasts, features rituals like announcing Mars colonization plans no one asked for and naming children after CAPTCHA codes. Members wear black turtlenecks, speak only in acronyms, and celebrate holy days by laying off 10,000 people via tweets sent from luxury yachts powered by lithium and vibes.
Followers are reportedly encouraged to reject Earth-based concerns like labor laws, infrastructure, and breathable air. “We are transcending the constraints of a dying planet,” said one devotee while sipping Soylent and crying into a VR headset. The movement’s gospel is written in pitch decks, and its prayers are whispered through AI assistants named after dead women.
Despite growing backlash, the cult’s popularity continues rising with each televised launch and awkward zero-gravity livestream. Aspiring acolytes must demonstrate faith by subscribing to crypto newsletters and investing in technologies that solve no real problems except boredom. Insiders say acceptance often requires pretending to believe broadband is more urgent than healthcare.
Critics argue that the movement is just capitalism without pants, but members remain unfazed. “Humanity must evolve,” said a spokesperson while unveiling a $40,000 lunar sleeping bag. “And if not all of us can come, that’s just market efficiency.” In the mean time, Earth’s remaining workers have been encouraged to keep the lights on until further notice or atmospheric collapse, whichever comes first.
The cult’s next goal? Putting the free market on the moon, one subscription box at a time.
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